08 February 2014

Musings on Life, the Universe, and Everything

I just got through watching "Star Trek: First Contact". It's interesting how things can effect me differently at different times in my life: the first time (or two) I watched it, it was just a movie. Yes, some good Moby Dick references, but nothing special there.

On the other hand, consider "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan". Yes, more Moby Dick references, but Khan "spoke" to me on several levels. Kirk deals with growing older, Spock sacrifices himself (that's not a spoiler, the movie's been out for decades!), and Kirk has to deal with an estranged son. I've watched that movie pretty much every birthday since I was a teenager, which means I've watched it about 20 times. Every year, I "renewed" some feelings and reconsidered how I approach life as a whole.

It's hard to examine ourselves. There's no good mental or emotional mirror available. We catch only glimpses, like looking at the reflection of your own car in the chrome bumper on the truck in front of you -- you might notice that your headlight is burned out, but it's hard to tell how exactly many bugs are splattered on your paint.

One way I can look at myself, a little, is disconnecting myself from my reality for a short time -- like watching a movie. I can take a little breather from my own life and when I come back, notice a few things about myself that maybe I didn't notice before. It's like going outside to take the trash out, and when you come back in the house, you realize it smells like the last meal in there. You didn't notice it before, because you were smelling it all the time and became desensitized. You have to step out of it and come back in to see what you were missing.

Today, watching First Contact, I had a little more empathy for Captain Picard / Captain Ahab. I wondered if I had a white whale of my own. The words "And he piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the rage and hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it" struck something of a chord with me this time.

Picard and Ahab each had something taken from them. Picard had his humanity taken. Ahab had his leg taken. I've had things taken from me. These losses hurt. They wound deeply. They cannot be ignored, nor forgotten. Nor, I think, should they. We should not be doormats. We deserve better than that.

But there's the question of how to react to loss. Melville seems to be saying Ahab should have just left well enough alone and led a happy, albeit legless, life. If we are to "learn Ahab's lesson", and treat every big problem like a soul-swallowing white whale, we as individuals and humanity as a whole would never accomplish anything though! What if the Founding Fathers figured fighting for independence was their white whale, and just gave up and led quiet lives as obedient subjects? What if Britain figured Hitler was their white whale, and just let the Nazis roll in?

The heros of our world are people that fought against overwhelming odds -- Gandhi, Mandela, Luther (both the white one and the black one). So what separates them from Ahab... the fact that they were successful, and Ahab was not? Or is there more to it?

This is the question that "troubles" me now. I don't know if "trouble" is the right word. I'm chewing on it, experimentally, like I chew on the first bite of a steak. I've had a lot of bad steak in my life, but every once in a while I get a really good one. Thus, it's mostly trepidation... tinged with a little bit of hope.

So: how does one separate the worthy goals from the white whales? Chew, chew. Hmm.

I think it may have something to do with emotion. Ahab let his anger fill him; there was no room for anything else. His world shrunk until it contained only him, and the white whale -- his ship and his crew be damned.

I don't want to live in a small world. There are too many good things out there, waiting to be discovered and enjoyed. Anger and other blind emotions shrink my world, and I resent that. Sometimes my world shrinks pretty small before I realize what's happening, though I think perhaps I'm getting better at recognizing it (at least, I hope). Making my world larger again is more difficult, but I'm working on it.

And yet, the things taken from me still hurt. And, I don't want that cursed white whale to go on hurting others. How to choose whether to go whale hunting, or stay on shore?

There's a problem with the human brain; we all see the world around us through our own lens, but the vexing thing is we can't turn that lens upon ourselves. What's worse, and what has become so painfully brought to my attention now, is that most people don't realize they have a lens at all. (At least I didn't.) They assume that what they see is reality (at least, I did). But sometimes, reality is something else entirely.

I think my new birthday movie will be The Matrix. Neo thought he lived in the real world, just as I once thought I did. We were both forced to have our eyes opened, and not of our own choosing. But, eventually we were both grateful for it. For me, it (painfully) called attention to the fact that I have lens. And as we learned from Frank Herber's Dune, "the first step in avoiding a trap is knowing of its existence".

In First Contact, Picard is brought back from the brink of insanity by Lily. Lily was not afraid to tell Picard exactly what she thought. She had the guts to hold a mirror up to Picard, and he didn't like what he saw in that mirror. Picard needed someone, or something, outside of himself to get a new perspective on his own actions. Perhaps we all need a Lily to hold the mirror up to ourselves -- we might not like what we see, at first. And that mirror may itself be distorted and untrustworthy. But I think it is folly to refuse to look in any mirrors.

Perhaps that's where Ahab went wrong -- he dismissed out of hand the pleas of his officers and crew. But by the same token, we also can't be pushed around by the other people in our lives. We should not abdicate (and I use that word advisedly -- we are each masters of our own destiny) our own free will. So I'm still at square one: how to decide if I have before me a worthy foe to defeat, or a bloody white whale.

I think it's part of growing up. We learn to speak, but then we mature and learn when to be silent. We learn to make the right choices, but then we mature and realize that we also have to chose what is right. Not only does black and white give way to shades of gray, but then we find there's color too!

I guess I'm gray man feeling a little lost in a color world. I'm glad for the color though; I didn't realize what I was missing. I may not find the right color; there may not be a right color. But I know I don't want to go back.

So. It may take me a long time to distinguish white whales from stepping stones. I may never figure it out. How do you keep your eye on the prize without getting tunnel vision?

These questions are tough, just like a lot of steaks. I'll keep chewing on them.

06 February 2014

Dear Uncle Bob

This is in response to my uncle's reply from the previous blog post. I am creating a new post because my intended reply is much too long to post as a comment. My uncle said,

"Sorry, that you have to continue to attack the church. The charges were not filed by a judge. The charges were filed by an apostate such as yourself. The judge just allowed them to be filed. If you want to quit the church, just do so. No one is forcing you to stay. However, the fact that you like other apostates continue to attack the church indicates that it is more than just that you no longer believe. You have some under lying hatred for the church leading you to attack it. I believe you are being led by Satan to do this. If it was just a matter of unbelief, you would go your separate way from the church and be happy ever after instead of letting this hatred eat away at you. We will pray that you find joy in life. Anger against others belief will destroy you physically and mentally. Uncle Bob"

 Uncle Bob,
I am sorry this is causing you pain. I feel compelled to give you a full reply. You deserve to know how deep this affects me.

The Church took things from me, so, yes, I am angry. I am downright mad at its lying, hiding, hurtful teachings. I am mad!

However, I have not expressed that to you. I have pointed to a few things I find interesting as I probe the depth of my pain.

There is a popular saying within the church, "People leave the church, but can't leave the church alone". I have not said all I thought and feel to you about this or anybody else besides my spouse  for fear of hurting you as you find out that you have been fed a pack of lies. Would you expect somebody who has been abused not speak about it? To never mention the abuse again? To not help those who are currently abused and not see it, because they think it's normal or "their fault". I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable about the (very) few things I have said in, I felt, a very gentle manner.

I gave my all to the church. I served for 38 years in a church that I believed was God's. I was a true believer.  I "knew" it was true. I served a mission for the church becuse I wanted to share the happy news that families could be forever, even when my family couldn't. I blamed my good dad for his weaknesses. I married in the temple, excluding loved ones because I thought that was the right thing to do.

Except the church is not true. The real truth hurts. I am torn between helping people see the real truth in the real world or leaving them alone in their delusions (because they think they are happy and life is explained). Truth means a lot to me. Personally, I cannot live a lie. Still, I am torn, so I haven't said much.

Here are a few things I have found out, and there is a ton more:

I have found out "the church" puts forth a history that is not supported by historical documents. Doctrines have been changed, not by revelation, but by convenience. Apostles have lied, and called it "lying for the Lord". They have thrown previous "prophets" under the bus by saying what they preached wasn't inspired (many of Brigham Young's doctrinal teachings). Quotes are taken out of context. Quotes are truncated to change meaning. Unchangeable church doctrine changes on a whim. In fact there are now undated essays recently put up on the church's website that denies they ever taught certain doctrines--- that skin color changed because of a curse from God, that the Book of Abraham was ever in fact a translation from the Egyptian papyri that Joseph Smith had in his possession (they now claim the papyri was a catalyst for inspiration-- this because the original papyri was found to be common Egyptian funeral texts), that we were never taught we could become Gods or that God was once a man, that Joseph Smith even translated the actual Golden Plates (the plates were not in the room when he put his face in a hat with a rock and "read" what he saw written there), that the urim & thummim was involved in the translation process, and many other things that were taught and we all thought we knew.

Also, the Doctrine and Covenant have been substantially changed and added upon. The Book of Mormon has been changed as well-- and not just for spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

I am still finding ways to explain why I thought I knew something was true when there is overwhelming evidence that it is a load of crap. Sure, there are some good teachings in the church, but it is so mired in feces that I'm still trying to sort it all out. I do not believe those good teachings are unique to mormonism. This is a process for me, and will continue to be. Because once in a while, I am focused on this process, it will spill into my public life a little bit. I am not and cannot be anyone other than myself. My public face is not much different than my private face. The only real difference is I do not say as much publicly as I think privately, but the two match up. I cannot be something I am not. For you or anybody else.

You are very offended by my very carefully chosen and hesitant public posts of things that may hint that what you believe may not be completely true. I am still amazed at what I find, like the whole history of tithing thing. I had no idea tithing wasn't what I had been told it was all my life. I shared that. I think people should know. I have been very careful not to link to or quote anti-mormon websites and sources. Yet you are still offended. Maybe you should explore the reasons you take such an offense to such benign information instead of accusing me of being led by Satan. I have not said anything that you can't research yourself and find the truth of. I am not, and have never been somebody who would purposely lead people into darkness. I am appalled that you would even think that of me.

You will not change how I express myself-- by trying to make me feel guilty (I'm not sure why you would think I would feel guilty for expressing the truth) or by any other means. I will continue to post things that I feel are important to think about. I have not, to date, posted any true anti-mormon content. I don't see that changing in the near future, even as you take offense where offense is not intended.

----Your Niece.

Thomas S Monson's criminal charges

The Salt Lake Tribune is running an article about the criminal charges filed against Thomas S Monson by a UK magistrate judge:
It's not illegal for a church to preach whatever it wants, and it's not illegal for a church to accept money from it's followers. However, the UK's Fraud Act (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fraud_Act_2006) criminalizes coercing money from people on the basis of false representation.
This is not a religious matter. Neither the LDS nor any other church need to fear lawsuits for preaching that Jesus is the Christ nor any other religious belief. These charges have to do with members allegedly being coerced into paying tithing on the basis of six factual historical claims (not beliefs) that can potentially be disproven in a court of law. (These six claims are listed in the sidebar of the SLTrib article.)
I know this is a potentially contentious topic, so I don't expect a response to this. But I look forward to getting answers to some of the questions I have, either way.